Seat on the Subway

New Yorkers are rude. Actually, I'll rephrase that. Some New Yorkers are rude. I realized this recently as I've been commuting with a very pregnant wife and witnessed first hand how people refuse to give up their seat for her. They pretend to sleep. They look the other way. They cover their face with a magazine. Anything to avoid eye contact. So, each day we try to draw attention to her pregnancy as a way to guilt people into offering up their seat. Here is a script we are working on for our next attempt:

Mike enters subway train and sees Mel, a pregnant woman standing (because there are no seats available)

MIKE: Mel, how are you? It's been so long. I didn't know you were pregnant

MEL: Mike, I'm doing well.

MIKE: Look at you. You're about to pop. What month are you in?

MEL: I'm in the 9th month, I'm getting really close.

MIKE: 9th month? Wow, that's so exciting, how do you feel?

MEL: I'm okay. I'm just REALLY tired. My legs hurt. Oh and my back is killing me. It's just hard because I need to lug this heavy bag to work everyday.

Mike realizes that his sketch is being ignored and turns to the closest seated passenger.

MIKE : Okay, just get the hell up.

Getting close

Admittedly, we have some anxieties as we enter the final month of this pregnancy. One of them is that Mel will go into labor in a public place and we will not be have time to get to the hospital, and will be forced to give birth in someplace horrible, like the subway.

Here is how we picture the NY Post will cover our greatest fear:

• BABY ON BOARD the N train
• C - Section (Visual Note -the "C" will be the sign of its respective train
• It's a giRl (Same visual thought with "R")
  
• Stand clear of the opening doors

The Contents of my Wife's Purse

1 Umbrella
1 Wallet
1 Jar of Pepcid AC
1 Bottle of Tylenol
1 Blackberry
1 Blackberry Case
1 Locksmith business card used as a receptacle for chewed gum
1 Set of Keys
4 Luna Bars
1 Book -
1 New Yorker Magazine
3 Pottery Barn Kids coupons
4 used amtrak tickets
1 Lip Balm
1 Chapstick
2 Lipstick
1 Lip Gloss
1 Mascara
1 Concealer
1 Eyeliner
1 Mirror
1 Ziplock Bag - Empty
1 Bandaid
1 Button that reads "Who Cares"
1 Ziplock Bag - Filled with Iron
1 Jump Drive
1 Pill container
9 Assorted wrappers
1 Watch
1 Pen
32 cents in change
$5 Bill
1 Pair of gloves
1 receipt for 83 cents
1 oversized wallet
1 Employee ID
1 Tokyo Transit Pass

Goal # 5 - Quit biting my fingernails

Biting your fingernails is a disgusting habit. It’s unhealthy and a terrible example of oral hygiene. As far as I’m concerned, those are all bonus points for quitting. None of which are the motivation behind me renouncing a 20+ year-old habit.

The truth is my impending fatherhood has left me more anxious than ever before. At the rate I’m going, I will be chewing on my knuckles by the time my daughter reaches grade school. If I don’t stop now, I will be giving away my ‘tell’. My weakness will be exposed. I will be contested by the women in the household and run the risk of being dethroned as the alpha male.

This must not happen. I’m counting on you, No Bite, my bitter tasting nail bite deterrent.

Note: At the time of this posting, I'm 10 days bite free. In the event you see me fall off the wagon, I implore you to contact my sponsor.